Go with your instincts, advice to myself

Posted on April 21, 2010, 3:09 pm, by alison Kramer.

We get a lot of advice when we are pregnant, don’t we?  I hated it, especially with my first. One of the burdens of always being right ;) , is that I am really bad at taking advice I didn’t ask for.  And, it seems that when you become pregnant, it somehow means that other people can just walk up to you and tell you what you should or shouldn’t be doing…..why is that?

Now I did also get a lot of great advice, much of which I have carried through all three of my pregnancies. Most of this came from my midwife and from a couple of amazing books (The Baby Book Dr W. Sears, The Continnum Concept, and the Womanly Art of Breastfeeding)

In writing my blog, I share a lot of my experiences with moms and moms-to-be and that got me thinking about what advice I would go back and give myself if I could.

So, here are the some bits of advice I would give myself (not that I would listen…..)

You are beautiful

You are about to learn what your body can do, the true power of it, and it will change you forever.  Never again will you worry about the shape of your thighs.  Bringing Jakob into the world will be the beginning of loving your body and learning how to take care of it.

In a few years to celebrate this you will finally get your tattoo. (I won’t tell you how many kids between now and then)

You are going to learn about love and worry

You know how you worry about your grades?   You know how much you love the dog? Yeah…this is NOT going to be anything like that.  You are about to meet true love and it is going to smack you in the face, hard.

In about 7 weeks you will spend all night watching a tiny baby with his first fever.  You are going to watch him breathe.

One day soon that same baby’s lips are going to look a little blue to you.  You are going to carry him on a subway and four busses to a specialist who you will insist on seeing that day.  Because there is nothing more important and no is not an option with you.

By the way, he is just fine. Grows strong and brilliant.

(And no, he still doesn’t sleep through the night.)

You know what you’re doing, trust your instincts

You are blessed with a lot of amazing women in your life who did things differently than you are going to with your children.  I know you are worried about this, but don’t.  They come around.  Trust your instincts.  If you want to carry him, pick him up.  If you want to sleep beside him, do it.

Let time slow down.  There will be many long nights.   You will spend them in a rocking chair reading Dylan song lyrics and the New York Times to him.   You will never ever regret a moment.

He is too big to pick up now.   Enjoy.  Cherish.  Breathe him in.

You’re gonna mess this one up, a lot

The sooner you let go of perfect the better.  (I’m laughing writing this because we still haven’t quite got this one yet.)

You are going to let him down sometimes.  This baby that you are about to meet is a better person than you.  He’s more honest and kind, and he has better judgement than you ever will.

Sometimes you will be tired and you won’t feel like playing with him.  You don’t know it now, but you are going to travel without him a bit and you are going to enjoy it.  It’s going to be hard on him, he will miss you (more than the others) and cry for you.  No matter how many times you tell yourself that you deserve your time too, you will still not forgive yourself.

You made your mom like that, call her

You know how your moms a bit crazy? You were a big part of that.  Be better to her.

Welcome to the 24 hour day

You are about to learn how long a day really is.  It is 24 hours.  Babies do not have snooze buttons.  For me, enjoy a nice meal that you eat with two hands, it will be the last for a while.  From now on, you will always be doing at least two things at a time.

You are about to learn your greatest strength – (no, its not your hair).  Congratulatons! You function well on very little sleep.  This will make the whole 24 hours a day thing a lot easier on everyone.

Those boobs, they’re loaners, enjoy them

:)

What advice would you go back and tell yourself when you were pregnant with your first?  Anything you wish you could hear?

Please share your comments below


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  • dukie
    take the help offered....people like to help and we should take it!!! everyone loves to say "it takes a village to raise a child" but what we have been actually taught in this crazy world is to be independant...at the expense of our sanity!
    It will take me a long time to pay forward the help i have recieved from my friends and family....but i will forever be grateful for their help.
  • What a beautiful post, Alison. My advice... hmm... enjoy the sleep and worry-free days, because once you become a mom, you will never stop worrying, and you will never sleep well again! Also? The love you're about to feel is like nothing else on earth. Nothing will prepare you for how your heart will feel once you become a mom. :)
  • Alison Kramer
    Great advice for sure. Worry, little sleep and love...three huge parts of being a new parent
  • sarachi
    9 years ago when I told my manager I was expecting, she said "Just remember you are making a miracle". And I remembered till this day -- I am making a miracle, nothing else matters. I could swear it's because of this mentality that I put all the discomfort behind. Life is truly a miracle.
  • Alison Kramer
    LOVE that! life truly is a miracle
  • Tammyq
    I smiled while reading this entire post. Thank you, it was perfect!
  • Alison Kramer
    :) wonderful to hear, thank you for reading and say hi
  • This is such a beautiful post... the tears continue to stream down my face. This is such a great idea and a great opportunity for reflection. But off the top of my head I would give myself the following advice:

    Breastfeeding will be a trial at first. You will overcome it with great success and become more passionate about it than you would think. Trust your instincts and your determination will carry you through. You don't need to worry about it while you are enduring the challenges, it will work out.

    Some babies just don't sleep very well. That's not their fault or yours. Smile and nod at all the advice you are given on this subject, and then ignore it. When you think you should go against your gut... don't... he'll sleep when he's ready and you'll miss the cuddling.... but you'll love the sleep too :)

    You're relationship with your husband will change... not for better and not for worse... it will just change and he will become a true partner in life. You will both need patience as the relationship finds it's new identity.

    It won't take long before you find a floor more comfortable than the couch.



  • Alison Kramer
    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.
    I would say much the same thing to myself about breastfeeding. About the challenges and the strength i would gain from seeing us through them. This was a time when being stubborn really helped me, i just wouldn't listen to anyone and stood my ground.
    When i had my other children, i really learned that "some babies just don't sleep very well". i did the same things will all of them, and yet they all reacted so differently, especially about sleep.
  • No matter how tired you are, you'll get through your day. And the next and the next. Millions of parents have survived sleep deprivation and you will too. Coffee helps.
  • Alison Kramer
    "coffee helps" may be the best advice...i would add, "wine helps too"
    Sleep is really such a huge thing, isn't it? Not sleeping and knowing you may not be able to catch up another day...
  • This post is beautiful Alison. Really beautiful.

    I'd tell me, "Remember this always: you are about to give birth to pure wonder and potential. This little girl will guide you every step of the way if you choose to see her as your child, your teacher, your compass to personal growth and healing opportunities and the greatest reflection and destination for your unconditional love. You are exactly who she needs and you will thrive together, if you choose."

    She's a teen now ~ and I still tell myself this. More and more often, actually. Must be a phase I'm going through ...
  • Alison Kramer
    that is so beautiful and true, thank you for sharing.
    it seems like the advice we would tell ourselves is really the same things we still need to hear...be brave, trust, be in wonder. All true always, in parenting and in life
  • mapleleaftattoo
    This was a wonderful post, particularly as I await the arrival of a second in another 5 months.

    Advice to my then pregnant self:

    It may surprise you, but you will now, and forever, label yourself as "mother" first, no matter what else you may do in your professional and personal life.

    "Because there is nothing more important and no is not an option with you." You will be your child's strongest advocate - NEVER apologize for it or be tempted to.

    When a little voice says "I love you, Mommy", you will forget everything that ever bothered you.
  • Alison Kramer
    Thank you so much for your comment and congratulations on your second to be :)

    I remember what patience I learned pregnant with my second and then third with babies and children to care for...a lot of lying down games...
  • I would say to me: you will learn how to get more done in less time than you think possible. you will learn how to be okay with constant hugs, even enjoy them. you will learn how you are an introvert and how extroverts are different and neither is better or worse. you will learn how even a toddler can know her own mind, and be right. you will learn how smart children are, without anyone teaching them anything. you will learn that sometimes you need a break. you will learn that sometimes she needs a break. you will learn how to trust, yourself, and your daughter. you will learn what it is like to love someone more than yourself.

    ~ Elizabeth
  • Alison Kramer
    Beautiful.

    Isn't it amazing how we think we will be the teachers? And then they show us so much?
  • ymc_maureen
    another wonderful post with a subject close to my heart! I remember all the silly things (and the brilliant things) that people told me when I was pregnant with Rebecca. Two of the best pieces of advice I think I received were to put some water on pads and freeze them before going to the hospital and the 4th and 5th day home from the hospital be prepared to have a meltdown, so only invite people over who you can handle at your most emotional, sleep deprived moment. You have to give yourself that time to adjust to your new schedule.
    My advice to myself would be - enjoy every moment, even the ones where she is crying and you just want to sleep because they grow up so fast and one day they are independent.
  • Alison Kramer
    You have kind of inspired pregnancy being on my mind :)
    Great practical advice with the frozen pads.
    With all three, I had a really rough day 3 and 4 and learned to be really strict about how came over. Its not a time when you should be worrying about other people
  • JackiYo
    "You are about to meet true love and it is going to smack you in the face, hard."

    Again with the way with words.

    My advice to my pregnant self? Be brave. Don't worry so much about what people will think of you and go with how you want to parent your babies (yes, there will be more). Nursing in public is ok - and you don't always have to find a quiet spot designated for nursing (unless you want to). Get over your fears of carriers - experiment more and find one that works for you - and wrap that baby to you more. Those days are fleeting. Oh, and that time you're spending with a sleeping baby on you (because he just won't sleep anywhere else) is not wasted. It's precious and gone in a whisper. (Yes, I just said 'he'. You won't meet him for a little bit, though.)
  • Alison Kramer
    Be brave is such wonderful advice!
    For parenthood and life in general

    Thank you, so much for your comments
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